


You've Got To Be Kitten Me

by CreativeBlockage



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Candlenights, F/M, Fluff, M/M, No Beta read we die like men, Post-Canon, Pre-established ships here fellas, he hates cats, taako's a mess
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-08
Updated: 2020-05-10
Packaged: 2021-03-02 18:41:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,194
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24071581
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CreativeBlockage/pseuds/CreativeBlockage
Summary: Taako finds that gift-buying for the Grim Reaper was much harder than he had expected. Unfortunately for him, his problem gets solved by an unexpected guest.OrA cat mysteriously appears in the house, and Taako must deal with this new enemy.
Relationships: Angus McDonald & Taako, Barry Bluejeans/Lup, Carey Fangbattle/Killian, Kravitz/Taako (The Adventure Zone), Lup & Taako (The Adventure Zone), Magnus Burnsides & Taako
Comments: 6
Kudos: 29





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So, this is my first fanfiction- I've had this idea for a while and it wouldn't let go, so quarantine's a perfect time to start something like this. Let me know what I'm doing wrong and I'll fix it, any feedback would be so, so helpful! I hope you enjoy!

Taako was right and thoroughly fucked. In another context, this would not have been an issue, but, unfortunately… this wasn’t that type of day.

He wouldn’t even have time for it, if it were; not when there was so much to do. After all, it was Candlenights Eve, and for the first time in a long time, he was hosting. See, you can’t just save all of every existence with your re-found forgotten family and not get together for Candlenights. They were all getting settled into their new lives- lives without Reclaiming, lives without the Hunger, and that in itself was something to celebrate.

Taako enjoyed it, too. For one, it had forced him to empty out the boxes that had lined the hallway of the house that he had owned for seven and a half months now, and the house had become a home. It gave him a chance to put music on and dance around an empty house as things fell into place. It helped him stop thinking about how he could get used to a life like this, because it was his.

Of course, he was really looking forward to the cooking. After all, it was the reason no one had argued when he’d volunteered to host. Sure, Lucretia had offered to bring everybody up to the Moon, but Taako wasn’t quite sure how he had felt about that. Besides, he was very much over office parties. The menu planning was downright therapeutic as he pieced together the dishes that he knew everybody enjoyed. He relished the memories that were once again his, especially if it helped make this all go smoothly. A century of feeding those idiots made this easy. Magnus liked lamb stew, which was probably a side effect of that Rustic Hospitality. Davenport liked that pan-seared mushroom dish he’d made when they had landed in New Fungston, during the eigth cycle. And, maybe, if he had time, he would make Elderflower Macarons for Lucretia. There were some new faces in their little family that he’d had less time to figure out, but he was pretty confident that he would be able to please them all; Carey, Killian, Angus, Mavis and Mookie- hell, he could please the Grim Reaper, they would be a piece of cake!

It was aforementioned Grim Reaper that was reason for most of his stress today.

“Lulu, I’m being serious, this is important!”

“Oh, really? You’ve only been bitching to me about this for a month and a half,” she replied, and Taako sword that he could feel his sister rolling her eyes. “Can’t- can’t you just bake him something he really likes?”

“I don’t have time for that- you’re coming over in a few hours, and I have to start food prep! Besides, he knows that food is my go-to gift when I can’t think of anything else! Not that my food isn’t a baller gift.”  
“It’s your first Candlenights with Kravitz, hon. That man is in desperate need of some cliche fluff. Also, it’s Candlenights Eve, you really don’t have time to do much else. Go get him something cute.”

“Alright, alright,” he grumbled. “See you in a bit, ‘kay?” With that, he put down his Stone of Farspeech, groaning as he rested his head in his hands. Already this shopping to ‘pick up a few missed ingredients’ had gone on twenty minutes too long, and Kravitz would be getting suspicious soon. He was Taako, the opposite of cliche… but, just this once, he would have to settle.

Defeated, he hurridly walked down the street, glancing into the shop windows in the hopes that something caught his eye. The storefronts of Neverwinter were all dolled up and decorated for the holiday, displaying their finest cuts of meat or their best sales inside. Nothing that was really helping him. What do you buy for a grim reaper? An engraved scythe? Sure, he’d asked both Lup and Barry that same question a month ago, but they were both very much new to the field and unable to provide him with a satisfactory answer. See, he knew Barry and Lup inside and out. A century would do that to a person, after all. Kravitz was different. He was deeply invested in his work, so much so that he had felt guilty asking to take off Candlenights and Candlenights Eve.

Finally, a shop window caught his eye that reminded Taako of another very important fact about his boyfriend. The shop was small, tucked neatly in between a book store and a nondescript office building. Unlike some of the surrounding shops, it wasn’t getting much business in the ways of last-minute shopping. The window display had holly and berries dripping from shelves, with various hand-carved instruments displayed on them. There were flutes, various percussion instruments that Taako couldn’t name, something that looked like a flute but bigger and with a weird end- he didn’t really know his instruments all that well. However, through the window, Taako could see exactly what he was looking for. See, Kravitz had been a bard. More specifically, he had been a cellist. And a beautiful, black cello was sitting inside.

Kravitz had never mentioned wanting to pick up a bow again, but it would do that man some good to get a hobby for himself. It would give him a reason to come home early- or, rather, on time, instead of working overtime. Not to mention, Taako wouldn’t mind the music. So, there he had it. This was his gift, and, self doubt be damned, he was going to stick with it.

Of course, his moment of celebration was short lived. As he reached for the handle of the shop’s door, he felt his Stone of Farspeech vibrating in his pocket. It was probably just Magnus, asking what side to bring to the party, although that was a waste of time, as he always brought pasta salad. He slid the stone out of his pocket, holding it to his ear.  
“You’ve reached cha’ boy Taako, who’s calling?”

“Taako?”

Oh. So Kravitz had finally realized how long he’d been out. “Hey, babe, something wrong?”

“Just checking in- you’ve been out for a while.”  
“Well, you know how the lines are this time of year- I’ll be home soon. Do you need anything, sugarplum?”

“Not at all- well, actually…” Kravitz fell silent for a moment- an uncomfortable, pressing silence.  
“Yeah?”

“Well, you see… your, um… your Candlenights gift for me- it kind of… escaped.”

“Whatcha mean, babe?” Taako made sure to keep his voice calm, not confused or nervous in any way, despite the fact that he had no idea what Kravitz could possibly have found, other than his get-out-of-jail-free card.

“I meant the cat, of course. Really, I didn’t think you would ever cave on that, but Taako, she really is so sweet!”

“Oh- right, of course- happy early Candlenights, I’m sorry I wasn’t there to give her to you. Well, anyways, I’m on my way home- I’ll see you soon, bones.” Before Kravitz could reply, he ended the call, taking a deep, much needed breath. Kravitz hadn’t caught onto his panic, which was definitely a plus, but a cat?

How the hell did a disgusting, shedding, asshole of a cat get into their house?

Taako hated cats. Despised them, actually. He liked birds, or maybe a fish, but a cat? That was a thing to take care of- and they weren’t even nice about it! They always needed attention, and they thought that they were the best thing since baked bread.

That was a mess. Sure, Kravitz wanted the cat, but who was going to be the one around to feed it? To clean up after it? Who would have to constantly brush its hair off of his robe- actually, Kravitz wore black, so he had it just as bad there. But still; Taako would have to end up taking care of this dumb thing that couldn’t take care of itself.

But hey, at least he didn’t have to impulse buy a cello anymore.

~~~

True to his word, Taako made it home just a few short minutes later. After all, he had more to focus on than the stay cat that had managed to come around the one day his boyfriend wasn’t working. The many people coming meant many mouths to feed, and if they were going to start eating at a reasonable hour, he had to get to work. He stepped into the house, closing the door behind him. Instantly, he was on guard- where was this supposed fluffy rat that had broken into their home?

The search for the little criminal was short, ending just steps later. As he peeked into the living room, he found his boyfriend settled in the armchair, a small white cat curled up in his lap. It was the picture of serenity- the festive, yet classy decorations, the fire crackling, and Kravitz half asleep, head resting against the back of the chair as the cat dozed on top of him. Who would have thought that a reaper could be so disgustingly domestic?

He must have made some sort of noise coming in, as Kravitz slowly blinked awake, raising his head. “Oh- hey- didn’t mean to fall out. Did you get everything that you needed?”  
Taako cleared his throat, nodding quickly. “Yup- yeah, of course- I see the two of you have gotten acquainted.”

“We have indeed. So, what’s her name?”

“Come again?”

Kravitz raised an eyebrow, the corner of his mouth turned up ever-so-slightly with amusement. “Her name? They come pre-named at pet shelters, no? What’s her name?”  
“Oh, right, um-” He certainly was not the best at coming up with this shit on the fly, and this time proved to be no different.

“Uh…Sour Cream!”

Oh no. Sour Cream? How did he have a boyfriend that loved him? Thankfully, Kravitz took it in stride, laughing softly with that ever-charming laugh of his. “Sour Cream? Alright, then. A little different, but, she’s wonderful, Taako. Thank you.”

“Of course, honey. Okay, I’ll let you nap before the company arrives- the food is much safer with you as far away from it as possible.” He lingered in the doorway- yes, he would have loved to press a kiss to his boyfriend’s forehead, but he was in no way, shape or form getting anywhere close to that thing.

“I promise, I’ll stay away from the kitchen this time. Call me if you need help, though, alright?”  
“I most certainly won’t, you water-burner. Sleep well, babe.” Taako gave Kravitz a smile before turning away.

After all, this food wasn’t going to cook itself.


	2. Macaroni and Cheese

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Life with a cat is proving to be more difficult than expected.

Finally, Taako was in the comfort zone. He had a lot to do, sure, but he enjoyed the hustle and bustle of the kitchen. The biggest problem of his day had been solved, and now he just had to focus on being the abso-fucking-lutely perfect chef that he was. Easy. He wanted to get started on the things that took a while to cook first- for one, the five cheese macaroni and cheese that he was making to please the children. He knew for a fact that Angus absolutely loved that, and Merle’s kids would have to like it, right? He had raided the stores to find some high quality cheeses- this was a brand new, Taako Taaco original recipe, and he was pulling all the stops.

Except, getting into that rhythm soon proved to be a difficult task. He filled up a large pot with water to get boiling when he quite nearly tripped on something in his path, spilling water all over his counter. “What the-  you !” Snaking around his feet, pressing close to his legs, was that damned cat, trying to kill him and flood his kitchen. “Go on- get out of here,” he muttered, trying to gently push Sour Cream away with his foot. He hated the thing, sure, but he wasn’t going hurt the creature. The cat wasn’t having it, choosing to curl up right in between the stove and the counter. Asshole. Grumbling, he got a dishrag, mopping up the mess he’d made with the water. 

“You’re just as bad as a dog, you know that?” He hummed as he restarted, this time carefully stepping over Sour Cream. Alright, he could deal with the extra challenge. “I don’t know what Kravitz sees in you, you’re terrible.” Taako didn’t even receive so much as a meow in response. Rude. “I just mopped the floor, so if you think you’re getting handouts, you’re wrong. I’m feeding thirteen people, and you ain’t one of them.” With that he turned, moving to deal with the important part of this macaroni and cheese. In a saucepan, he threw in some chopped onions, flour, salt, pepper, and milk, beginning to whisk. Once again, Sour Cream decided to come and investigate, slinking around his legs and meowing loudly. “You have no taste- there’s nothing good in here yet!” He wished cats knew Common, as it would make this a whole lot easier. 

Before long, he was ready to add the grated cheeses into the saucepan. He turned around to grab the bowls he had sorted out, only to hear the soft sound of something hitting against the cabinet behind him. Just as he’d suspected, the cat had somehow managed to jump high enough to climb onto the counter. Seriously, was this cat part of a fucking cat gymnastics team? “Oh, no you don’t,” he grumbled, quickly placing the bowls down to keep Sour Cream away from the stove. “If you don’t stop, I’ll let you burn your paw, I do  not care!” With one arm, he held back the feral thing, who wanted nothing more than to take a bath in cheese sauce, apparently, pouring in the cheese with another. He was  Taako , he could do this stuff one-handed, no problem!

This was getting terribly annoying, though, and he did not feel like using Mage Hand to stir this pot. However… magic wasn’t a terrible idea. Slipping his wand from his pocket, he focused for a moment before casting Sleep. Just like that, Sour Cream curled up, making things a whole lot easier than they had been. How long did that spell last again? He hadn’t casted it successfully in a good long time. Hopefully long enough for him to finish this Mac & Cheese and get started on everything else. He’d managed to get most of his cooking done for the actual meal yesterday- things just needed to be reheated. Today was mostly just the appetizers. As he cooked, he felt a rant was in order. He didn’t want all of that negativity going to his dish, at least. Thankfully, he’d upgraded his Stone of Farspeech, and had gotten one with the brand new Speakerstone setting. It made things a lot easier, when it came to multitasking. He stepped away for a moment to call up his sister once more. 

~~~

“Alright, alright- listen. Okay? Listen. I love Kravitz. I love him so much. But I don’t know if I can handle… this. How am I supposed to cook? This cat is like Magnus, only it doesn’t know I’m scolding it!”  
“Calm down, calm down. First of all, your new cat isn’t an ‘it’.”

“Well, I’m not checking to see what it- what they are!”  
“I- alright, secondly, you’re telling me this cat just… ended up in your house?”

“I was out trying to buy a gift for Krav and he just called me saying that my gift for him escaped! I don’t know how the fuck this thing got into my house!”  
“You probably left a window open or something, and the little fleabag crawled in to get out of the cold. It’s rather sweet that you’re taking them in, actually.”

Taako fell silent for a moment, a new realization dawning on him. This thing had crawled in from the  street , it probably had fleas or worms or something! There was no way he was letting fleas in here. They were tiny bugs from fantasy Hell that got everywhere, and there was no possible way he was going to let this go unchecked. 

“Right, Lup… listen. You and Barry have to get here fast and cover for me. I have to sneak out for a few minutes. I trust you to check on whatever’s cooking more than I trust everyone else coming over combined. I’ll be gone, like… ten minutes, tops.”

It was Lup’s turn to be silent for a moment. “…right. Right, okay. Not a problem. Barry and I can talk about work or whatever. Just don’t stay out too long, you dingus, got it? We’ll be there soon.”

“Right. Thanks, Lulu. You’re a life saver.”

“Yeah, yeah. I’m used to it.”

~~~

There just seemed to be a never-ending set of challenges with this dinner tonight. But, with the people involved, was he even surprised? He would be terrified if there wasn’t any difficulty. He was working double time, trying to get as much finished before his sister came in. However, one of the challenges of hosting a dinner, he found, was the amount of time he spent on the Stone of Farspeech. At least this call was both predicted and sorely needed.

“Hey, I’ve been trying to get through to you for a while. So I was wondering if you needed any sides-”

“Maggie, the pasta salad can wait, I need your help.”

“Oh- what, is everything okay?”

“You… you like dogs, right?” Of course Magnus Burnsides liked dogs- he was working on opening a school for training dogs, and he’d talked about them near constantly for a century! Taako firmly believed that Magnus would have been completely okay with the whole ‘dying and reforming on the Starblaster every year’ gig they’d had if a dog had managed to find its way on board. Cats were just dogs with narcissism. 

“Well, yeah, I-”

“Natch, I’m going to need you to grab one of those dog carrier things you probably have and bring one over. A small one. Sound good?”

“I mean, yeah, but why?” Magnus gasped. “Are you giving someone a dog?”

“Magnus-”

“Oh, that’s so cool- oh, is it Ango?”

“ Magnus -”

“Wait- are you getting  me a dog? I just assumed you would give me some cookies or something, like last year-”

“Magnus, I’m not getting you a dog. You don’t even  want a small dog!”

“Aww…” Taako almost felt bad as he could hear the guy’s excitement deflate. “Wait, so, why do you need the travel crate?”

“Just bring it over, okay? We’re going on a mission.”

“A mission, huh? Just like last Candlenights.”

“Oh, well, sorry to disappoint, but you’re not going to be cutting off any arms this year. You know any vets open on Candlenights Eve?”

“As a matter of fact, I do! I was just on the phone with them yesterday, talking about a partnership, and they told me-”

“Yeah, yeah, whatever. I’ll see you soon, alright?”

“Sounds like a plan. I’ll be there in, like… fifteen minutes.”

“Good, good.”

Okay. Maybe this hiccup wasn’t so bad after all. 


End file.
